I recently watched an Elderly Roots REELS presentation entitled “9 Harsh Realities of Being an 85-year-old Woman.” The intro begins with an 85-year-old woman saying, “One day you will wake up and feel different. Not sick, not broken, just different. Your body will feel heavier. Your steps will feel slower. And for a moment, you will wonder when it all changed. Nobody prepares you for growing old. It does not arrive with a warning. It comes quietly while you are busy living.”
Characterizing old age as something vaguely unpleasant, a stalker to fear, intrigued me, because I don’t see it that way at all. She goes on to assure us that this was not “to scare us or make us sad, but to prepare us.” She suggests we sit with a cup of tea and hear her list of what happens when we are old. Below is a shortened version of her realities and my take on them.
Her Reality #1. Your body becomes smaller. When your body shrinks, your presence feels smaller, too. But she assures us that our worth doesn’t shrink with our bodies.
My Reality #1: The shock must be awful if you’re short to begin with. Luckily, I’m tall, so I didn’t notice my presence shrinking. When I turned sixteen, I became one inch taller, but I don’t remember my presence expanding then, either. Presence has nothing to do with physical size. Remember Mickey Rooney?
Her Reality #1a. You are not only weaker when you’re smaller, but you’re smaller in real ways. She goes on to make a list of things she used to do and what she does now, ending with how she used to lift heavy things, but now she lifts memories.
My Reality #1a. I hated lifting heavy stuff my whole life but had no excuse to get out of it, but now I have, and I use it. She should lift memories with caution, though, because some can be heavier than lead.
Her Reality #1b. Even when you need help, you are still you.
My Reality #1b. Indeed, I am, and as an old person, I love asking for help, especially from young men in the supermarket. They are SO nice, and it seems to make them happy to get that box off the top shelf for me. Their faces light up, they smile, and they do whatever I ask, just as they did when I was a young thing.
Her Reality #2. You start feeling invisible. She gives the example of a clerk helping a woman behind her in line before helping her. She says nobody notices you and the world forgets you. She assures us that even when the world looks away, your life still matters.
My Reality #2. Amen to invisibility. As a woman in this society, I’ve experienced the pressure to be attractive and visible. What a relief to be an old hag and not worry about whether the world will notice that your stocking seams aren’t straight (remember those days?) or if your hair doesn’t look great? I can dress up, way up, or dress way down to bag lady level depending on my mood. Nobody cares. How free is that!
Her Reality #3. You outlive the people you love.
My Reality #3. This happens all through life, not just in old age, and it’s always terrible. And the longer you live, the greater the number of people (and pets) will have died. However, all deaths that occur when you are younger are tragic, whereas most deaths that occur when you are old are not tragic in that way. The suffering is different. You know it’s going to happen at some point because you and your contemporaries are old, so it’s not a shock, and the person lived a good life. And another antidote for suffering this kind of inevitable loss is that a long life also provides you with an ever increasing number of younger loved ones to enjoy.
Her Reality #4. Fear of falling changes how you live. She assures us that there is strength in protecting yourself by holding onto rails and being cautious. You don’t have to prove anything anymore.
My Reality #4. So true. Not having to prove anything to anyone anymore is one of the major blessings of being old!!!
Her Reality #5. Your children slowly become your parents, and all the things they take over make you feel like you are losing a piece of yourself. It hurts to become the one being watched.
My Reality #5. When I’m sick or need something, and my family or friends help me, it’s a wonderful feeling. If I do become really infirm, I’ll be happy and grateful, as well, but at that point, it’s not about losing control temporarily, but losing control permanently. That has to be tough.
Her Reality #6. You quietly live in fear of being a burden. It increases with all the things your kids do for you. You begin to apologize a lot.
My Reality #6. Do not apologize!! The little you-know-whats never apologized for all they put you through, did they? As she later says, it’s our turn to receive.
Her Reality #7. Loneliness lives in the quiet hours. The nights feel longer when you are alone.
My Reality #7. I think that’s true to some extent, but I also know old people who are relieved at not having to answer to anyone any longer, in or out of bed.
Her Reality #8. She says that every memory slip is frightening.
My Reality #8 It can be, but I remember walking into rooms when I was a teenager and not remembering why I was there. I recently was on the phone with a thirty-something person who forgot what she wanted to say in the middle of our conversation. Slower thinking doesn’t automatically mean the big D is next, so it’s better to wait until there’s solid evidence before worrying about memory slips.
Her Reality #9. You prepare for saying good-by to the world. After all the loss, fear, and slowing, something else arrives—peace. Not happiness/excitement, just peace. You stop worrying, stop rushing because there is nothing left to worry about. You notice the small things in life. Growing old makes you realize that time is precious.
My Reality #9. I agree that you experience peace, but not because there isn’t anything left to worry about. There’s plenty to worry about, especially today. The peace you feel is from a long life that has given you the wisdom to understand and accept what can and cannot be changed BY YOU. That is true peace. And happiness, excitement, and rushing around do not stop because you are old. They stop only if you want them to stop. And I’m not preparing to say good-bye to the world now or anytime soon, either. I’ll do that when I know that it’s coming up. In the meantime, what a gloomy waste of living it would be to have that attitude.
Here endeth the 9 Harsh Realities.
I feel that how you experience these “realities” largely depends on how much you love life. If you don’t love life, you’re guaranteed to live with the “harsh realities.” If you do love life, it stays lovable no matter what negative circumstances may come your way (and all the things mentioned don’t happen to every older person as the video implies). And even if they did, our attitude plays a huge role in how it all goes. Our feeling alive shouldn’t depend on strangers “seeing” us. If I’m ignored in a store, I let them know that I’m there. That’s all. I don’t have to be indignant, because that gives them importance they shouldn’t have. Whether they saw me or didn’t see me, I’ll leave the store the same size I was when I entered and with the same worth. That’s my reality.
Please share your take on the 9 Harsh Realities
(You can watch the whole video at https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1539598233796689. You may have to cut and paste the url. She says a lot more than I have included here. Do you resonate or not resonate?