If you ask ChatGPT to list the pluses of getting old, under the category “Social and Lifestyle Advantages,” it will say that “friendships and family bonds tend to become more meaningful and less transactional.” So true. But it doesn’t go into some of the deeper elements underpinning that truth. For example, it doesn’t expound on the comfort and delight of old, old friendships.
All friendships are wonderful, but unlike newer friends, old friends, especially friends from our youth, are not just people we met and happened to like; they are woven through the fabric of our entire lives and make it stronger.
I once asked an old friend why, since we lived so far apart and in entirely different worlds, she had kept in such close touch with me through the years. She told me that I was her “roots.” I was the only person from her youth still living near where she grew up, and I had known her home, her parents, her siblings, her pets, her friends, and, later, her husband. Because of that, I was an anchor for her. I realized then that she and my other old friends were my anchors, too. Some of them are still in the mainstream of my life, while others are farther out on the periphery, but we all continue to keep track of how we are doing. The mainstay of our friendship is love, but it’s bolstered by our shared memories.
We define ourselves not only from what we know of the “self” we harbor within, but also from what others carry around in their heads about us. The longer we have known them, the more they carry around. Old friends can place us in a way that even our spouses, children, or anyone else who came along later cannot. They were on the scene as we grew to maturity and carved out an adult life. They knew the other principal players that shaped our lives. They knew our hopes and dreams, triumphs and traumas—and they know how everything turned out and the reasons for it. So, in that way, old friends are keepers of parts of our selves. But they are also keepers of our young selves—selves that grow dimmer with each year. They keep “then” alive. As such, they are the co-owners of our memories and keepers of our youth, and, just as we carry a bit of them within ourselves, they, too, carry a bit of ourselves within them.
I hope we all still have an old friend or three in our lives. If you have a special old friendship you’d like to share something about in the comment section below, we’d love to read about it.
Have a great October.
Julie
PS This post is late because I’ve had two concussions within a few weeks of one another, and recovery has required that I stay away from “screens” as much as possible.
11 Responses
I love this, Julie. I have lost touch with some of my “oldest” friends as we took different paths, and I’m sad about that. But I find the capacity to grow closer to others has strengthened as I’ve aged, and I feel fortunate to have a number of new friends that have enriched my life.
I think you’re right about new friends enriching one’s life, Lyn. I met one of my all-time closest friends when I was 65. And while we were very close, for the reasons I talk about in the blog, there was a difference between our friendship and the ones I’ve had for most of my life. Neither is better than the other. Both types of friendship are priceless, and I’m so grateful for the “newer” friends in my life.
Just two days ago, I returned from an overseas trip where I stayed with friends I’ve known for some 35 years— from my days in California. I was two weeks in Spain with a friend who retired to Barcelona and then had a long weekend with other friends who live in a small town west of London. I saw, ate, and did many glorious things but it was sharing these experiences and reconnecting with these people that really made the trip.
Yesterday I received a letter from another California friend, a highly intelligent woman and quite the world traveler. She is a little older than I and sees herself in decline, with fears of dementia. It is heartbreaking, but I’m so honored that she is reaching out to me.
I’ve now lived in Gainesville, GA for twenty years. I cherish the friends I have made at GA Mtns UU Church. They bring me inspiration, joy, and support through difficult times.
What a wonderful experience, Nancy! Thanks for sharing your trip with us. It sounds really great. And I’m glad you brought up the friend who’s reaching out to you. One of the hazards of elder life is loneliness, so I hope we all have friends, either old or new, who will share with us joy and enrichment and be there for support when we need it.
I met you at my first job as a computer programmer after college. You were my first roommate after moving away from my parents home. I went on a genealogy library research with you and my mother. We found nothing (wrong town). You were more enthusiastic than I was. We went to broadway shows together. I eagerly await your Christmas cards family letter. That’s when I knew what a wonderful writer you are. I got to read early drafts of your first book!!! We’ve visited each other over the years no matter where we lived. We’ve called each other and it feels like yesterday when we last talked. You are such a fabulous chef. I remember finding you drooling over reading a cookbook and one time I painted a bathroom in exchange of you cooking one of your delicious full breakfast meals. Lucky me🍽️. We share a love of dogs🐾🐾🐾. Lucky us. Such memories we share. I love your blog and the photos in the banner at the top. You always have such a lovely smile and have been so supportive through thick and thin. We talk for hours on the phone. I look forward to future blogs🤟🤟❤️❤️. I never feel old when talking with you. Such memories we have and will continue to make. Much love Connie
You’ve said it all, Connie. So, so many memories. I treasure you.
I love your blog and the connection you bring to everyone. ❤️🐾🐾❤️
I’m going to like this, Julie. Being only one of four siblings to go from Kgt to 12th grade in one place, my friends were numerous, and we kept in touch with reunions and social media. The last close HS friend and college roommate and I enjoyed a friendship for 76 years. She passed away several months ago, and I was lucky enough to spend time with her before she died for which I am grateful. My HS class kept a FB page for the HS class of ’61 and most of us kept up with it. One must nurture friendships and I have through the years and the rewards have been many. When these friends have died, I have suffered greatly because they have been part of my life for so long. We knew each others parents and siblings as well. I’m so happy to still be connected.
I’m with you 100%, Sue. You are very lucky to have had so many friends from your youth. They are real treasures.
I have lost many friends. I reached out to high school friends from long ago and am now in touch with four of them. You are one Julie. It’s fun sharing memories and keeping up!!
It is fun, Susan. I’m so glad you found me.